Dieting according to the Starving Cinephile

BY: KDP

I have a dream. A simple dream, really. A dream where every girl, every age, everywhere, can eat like a Gilmore girl and still have a Lorelai booty.

But, lessons learned from Anne Hathaway: there are dreams that cannot be; for it seems that it is only in the magical land of Stars Hollow that one could easily put away entire takeout containers of Greek, Thai, Chinese, waffles, and peanut butter in a single sitting and still come out looking like Lauren Graham. And now that the holidays and failed-resolution season are long over, you’ve come face-to-face with a cold, hard reality check.

It’s not that you don’t fit into your jeans per se. You can still beat them into submission if you jump up and down and shimmy around a lil’ bit. It’s more that your shadow is starting to look like it’s been wrapped in bubble wrap. And muffins.

Okay, so maybe Girl Scout cookie season got you. In the name of charity, you let those doll-faced little demons steal your soul and replace it with Samoas and Tagalongs. And boy, have they tagged along. Should’ve opted for the Thin Mints.

But now you’re MOTIVATED. Or at least out of excuses now that National Pie Day is over and the Girl Scouts have returned to the Underworld, leaving you with nothing but kale and ice chips. (Please kale me now.) It’s all good though. You’re not too far gone. You can fix this. There’s gotta be a way that doesn’t involve sweating profusely and eating dirt.

Yeah, besides that… But it’s cool. You love any reason to go shopping for sweatpants, preferably gray ones, as ugly and tasteless as your dieting future. And let’s be real: you’re definitely not gonna be joining the ranks of gym rats squatting around wearing magenta and smelling like Love Spell. Mostly because the gym isn’t a date, pink would only bring out the red in your gasping face, and you smell nothing like love when you attempt to run. More like tacos and tears.

Still, there’s nothing quite as depressing as grocery shopping for a diet. (Unless it’s eating what you buy. That is infinitely more depressing.) But you navigate it like a champ, dodging the Mint Oreos and shunning the Nacho Cheese Doritos as you fill your cart with rice cakes, quinoa, and other unpronounceables that are secretly nature’s most brutal laxatives. And so, with your cupboards full, your stomach empty, and your heart heavy, you officially begin.

Establishing a workout routine is half the battle. As an amateur, you try to blend in. You hit the gym after work, dawning your oldest and baggiest workout shirt; you strut in the door, hop on the treadmill in front of Big Bang Theory, and start punching random buttons. At first, you only sort of want to die and try to explain away the new, yet frighteningly colorful explosion of pain. All sorts of thoughts start flying through your oxygen-deprived mind: “Oh, it burns! It’s my shoes, right? Yeah, it’s definitely my shoes. There’s no way I’m actually this out of shape.”

Then the panic starts to set in. “I feel my pulse in every part of my body. It’s beating in my nose! Oh my gosh, what if I run so hard my heartbeat bursts my nose and I look like Voldemort the rest of my life?!”

Fortunately, you make it through the first workout without needing drastic cosmetic repair, but you are already dreading tomorrow when you have to do the unspeakable. WORK OUT AGAIN! The very thought fills your soul with impending doom. Maybe you can switch it up. Skip the run, bench instead! Then you remember you have toothpick arms and see a vision of yourself dropping the bar on your trachea and dying. Running it is, then.

You even go through a brief stint with a personal trainer. It doesn’t take long for you to pick up on their game though. They’re trying to redirect your hate to them to somehow distract you from your loathing of exercise. And it almost works. As they demand more pushups and sermonize on HIIT training, you think, “I planking hate you,” but you remember who the real enemy is here. It’s burpies. It has always been burpies.

The true betrayal though lies in food now. Exercise never pretended it didn’t suck. But food. Food was once all things bright and beautiful and breakfasty. All things cheesy, salty and full of carbs. In fact, if there is anything you learned from Hunger Games, it’s that gluten is its own love language.

But you’ve become one of those monsters who considers salad an entree and leaves hot, buttery dinner rolls untouched. Why? Because you had to make an impossible choice. You want all the glutens in the whole world, but you had to decide what you wanted more. Gluten or glutes? Truly, you’re still undecided.

But you’ve made goals. And those goals are important. So you eat your stinking salad and your rice cakes and everything else that disintegrates in your mouth before ever reaching your stomach. Is your large intestine munching on your small intestine for sustenance? Probably. Does the smell of Parmesan bites reduce you to tearful hysteria? Don’t answer that.

You hang strong though, because the results are coming. Eventually, you really can’t recall what good food tastes like anyway, so you find somewhat decent, though mostly pathetic substitutes. At least the withdrawal headaches and hallucinations of Disneyland churros have almost stopped altogether.

You’ve even quit rewarding yourself with 1 lb of orange chicken for every 0.2 lbs you drop because you’ve more or less accepted the fact that you aren’t a Gilmore Girl and because, well, math.

Besides, at this point, you’re such a consistent presence at the gym, that annoyingly fit teenage employee at the front desk now gives you a grudging nod instead of a judgmental squint. And so, with your jeans looser and resolve stronger, you keep on your chosen path, knowing that your goals are within reach. At least until pumpkin spice season comes around. Then all bets are off.

Dating according to the Jilted Cinephile

By: KDP

It is a universal truth that dating has been a headache since the beginning of time, BUT! I think most millennials trudging through the modern-day muck of cheaters, hipsters, and ghosters can agree that it’s a trial trying to find another human being worth sharing your heart-shaped Valentine’s Day pizza with. Some accuse TV and literature for setting our expectations too high. Sure, this may be true. But come on. Cinephiles have more fun. If for no other reason, it’s because we see the world, including the awkward, harsh, desolate dating world, through a unique perspective.

As Rick Castle says,“There are 2 kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people: psychopaths and mystery writers.” Might I add a third, Mr. Castle?

You know how it goes. We’ve all been grilled by those well-meaning family members, friends, random people off the street who feel qualified to offer free, unsolicited therapy.

They all have one thing in common: they think you’re picky. You like to think of it as “having standards”…

Picky? Good taste?

They know the perfect person for you! And that person is…wait for it… SINGLE! Said person eats nothing but sushi and likes cross fit and practices taxidermy in their free time, but they are unattached. Compatibility issues? What compatibility issues??

You’ve seen your friends breeze over the minor issue of similar interests before. What’s dating if not an elaborate game of “Ha! You thought I was someone else! But now we’re committed, so too late now!”

But there are some things you can’t be expected to fake, even in the name of dating. You know that drawn-on eyebrows are about as convincing as gluten-free brownies. Miracle Whip is better than mayonnaise. Harry Potter and Hermione Granger are soul mates. On these things, you will not bend!

So at this point, being the independent adult you are, you decide to take on the dating search on your own. (Mostly because you binge-watch crime shows and know that your internal organs will turn up on the Black Market if you ever try a dating app.)

You know what you want. “Of course my expectations aren’t too high! I just want an attractive shepherd-turned-prince who is so completely taken in by my highwayman act that he follows me around until we have a thrilling battle with bridge trolls and his mantra becomes, ‘I will always find you.'”

But nooooo. You are lost in a sea of dudes who look like they’ve borrowed your jeans and all they want to know is if you’ve seen the latest trending YouTube video. “Um, of course I have. But we’re supposed to be battling trolls here.”

Another common setback in the searching stage is the mystery of which team your potential beau is playing for. “This is so great. We’re having a real conversation! You like all the same things I do! Oh, you’re so sensitive! It helps that you are super cute! We are hitting it off so well, we are totally soulmates. Oh, you’re gay. K, fine. But couldn’t we have established that before I envisioned us cosplaying as Flynn and Rapunzel at Comic Con? I should’ve seen the signs…”

But then, you meet a somewhat promising candidate! You’ve been hurt before. Your guard is up. But you got through the first few interactions okay. They even came back respectably clean after intensive Facebook stalking. Thank you, social media.

They even picked up on a few of the obscure movie references you tossed into casual conversation as a test. And so there you are! On your first date! It’s going well…until they start to get way too handsy for someone who hasn’t even committed your last name to memory yet. Whoa there. Slow down, Barry Allen! “The Fastest Man Alive” doesn’t qualify as a hero title when in the dating realm. Slow your roll!

Or there’s the other kind of “fast.” Seriously, does every guy in the world have their own internal Harrison Wells hissing in their ear, “Run, Barry, RUN!” making them a constant flight risk? Even when things are great, they suddenly remember unresolved mommy issues and decide the past is more worthwhile than the now?

Sometimes though, things progress! They do! Finding that special person that texts you so often that your text conversations flow almost as fast as real-time speak is a pretty cool thing. They’re into you! They think you’re a catch! Or at least interesting enough to talk to from the minute they wake up until the minute they hit the hay. This is a good sign! You finally feel secure enough to admit to yourself that maybe you’ve actually found yourself a keeper! Your own modern day, personalized Gilbert Blythe. Hope springs eternal!

Oh, wait. He’s actually a raging sociopath who is allergic to commitment and bails as soon as the chase is over. Cool.

But it’s all good. Despite everything, you’re still not about to resign yourself to pretending like sushi is a desirable food choice. Besides, takeout with a side of Netflix has always been an immensely satisfying solo activity. And you were always a 5 season-build, slow-burn shipper anyway.

 

Review: The Last Jedi…Movie I’ll Ever Watch

 

Written by: SDP

***SPOILERS AHEAD*** 

 

Let me preface this first by saying that I am a life-long Star Wars fan. I watched the originals hundreds of times growing up. The prequels, though full of cringe worthy dialogue,

to their credit, actually had an interesting plot line and it gave a decent history of Palpatine’s rise to power and Anakin’s duality and fall from grace. The best light-saber battles we have ever seen are found in those poorly scripted cinematic misadventures.

 

I had some beef with The Force Awakens and have written about them in the past , but overall, I was just happy (albeit slightly annoyed) to see a pretty descent adaption of A New Hope on the big screen again. 

My problems with The Last Jedi are many. 

From the beginning… 

The First Order, though they should be reeling from the loss of their Planet/Starkiller Base,

are on the brink of destroying the last little remnant of the Resistance/Republic. A handful of planets got blown up in the last movie.

Were those supposed to make up the ENTIRE republic?? Just exactly how small is this galaxy far far away? In The Revenge of the Sith,  the republic represented hundreds of planets, as can be seen by all of the representatives seats that Darth Sidious chucks at Yoda.

I know Sidious dissolved the Senate in A New Hope, but the only planet that got blown up was Alderaan. So how is the New Republic, 40 years after defeating the Empire, so poorly “represented”, small and weak and the remnants of the Empire still so strong? 

So here they are about to wipe out the last band of rebels. They destroy  every other rebel ship in seconds and for some reason, the AFT shield on the last rebel ship cannot be penetrated as long as they have gas? Why? All the other ships had shields and presumably fuel and they were overcome in a matter of seconds. And if it is a question of range, why didn’t the First Order bring their entire fleet?  Do their other squadrons have more pressing issues than wiping out the few remaining Rebels in one fell swoop? Why not at least bring in another Dreadknot on the fleeing side of the rebel ship and cut them off? Or bust out the “miniaturized Death Star Tech” and use that? 

General Hux

General Hux is too baby faced to really take him seriously as a “seasoned general”, but at least he seemed Hitlerishly menacing in TFA. In the Last Jedi, he is caked with makeup and is much more comically evil. Even the jokes between him and Poe in the beginning and subsequent Porg/Nun humor have a strong Marvel flavor. 

Fin and Rose

That whole subplot was mind-numbing. They literally hop on a shuttle and light speed, undetected, to a different planet in a different system.  If they could do that, then why didn’t they have all the survivors on the cruiser hop aboard shuttles and hyperspace in different directions to different planets in the first place? They could have even planned to rendezvous elsewhere after gaining some reinforcements. 

Why did the republic have to call on Maz for advice on where to find a “code breaker”? Surely they would have access to somebody, or a something ie: I don’t know, maybe a friggin’ droid with some type of code breaking skills. R2D2, where you at homie? How many times did you hack the Empire in the past?

 

Maz says the ONLY one that could crack the code is some guy with a lapel pin on Canto Bite. 

They go there and have zero interaction with the one that Maz said was the ONLY person that could help. Instead they go with Del Toro’s character who had painfully little development and who can apparently do exactly what only the high rolling lapel wearer could do.

How was Del Toro’s character so good at hacking? Where did he come from? Why didn’t Maz know about him? What was the point in even having the guy with the lapel pin to begin with? Why not have Maz say, “The man you need is a scoundrel, who is currently being held in a prison on Canto Bite, you need to go there with a plan to escape, get arrested on purpose and then break him out, then he will help you.” That would have made more sense!

The whole animal rights activism stuff, though honorable and insert more politically correct stuff here, gets in the way of the urgency of their mission. And the whole getaway scene riding those camel things had some painfully bad CGI, reminiscent of Anakin riding those round water cows or whatever they are in AOTC.

And if all they were guilty of was a parking violation, why did the police arrest them and later blow up their ship that they were trying to get to and move? Seems a little ridiculous over all really. 

The light speed kamikaze was a cool scene, but does the First Order ship not have a working shield? Wouldn’t the rebel cruiser, no matter how fast it is traveling just implode as it impacts on the shield? If all it takes is ship traveling at light speed to penetrate their shields why not launch a bunch of x-wings piloted by droids at light speed and blow the First Order’s entire fleet to bits? Or at very least, why not have Admiral Holdo get in one of the light speed capable little shuttles, like Fin and Rose were in, and kamikaze with that? Surely even a lightweight meteor traveling that fast would rip through the First Order’s ship. Then everyone could have stayed on the big cruiser and made one last jump to light speed themselves without being tracked.  

Leia

Let’s be honest, Leia should have died when she got pulled out into space. I get it that it is cool seeing her use the force but still…she was pretty dead. Then she is on life support, could have died then, but “luckily” pulls through. Then I expected her to volunteer to be the kamikaze pilot and do the light speed thing, since the actor Carrie Fisher is actually deceased and they have to write her out at some point, and Holdo is extremely underdeveloped as a character and could lead the Resistance on in the next movie, but no, Leia kicks on and the barely introduced purple haired Dr. Sattler does the honors. Then by the end, at the base on Crate, Leia could have and should have died as a result of the First Order’s attack, or the blast by the “battering ram” or something!  But again, Leia survived. Now she will be awkwardly missing with a poor excuse written in to explain her absence in the next installment!

Luke

I was worried from the start…

…that they would turn Luke into the Tony Stark we saw in Iron Man 3.  Scared, cowering, no confidence. 

What do you mean, you “knew you were no match for the darkness rising in him”, you are Luke freaking Skywalker! Trained by Obi-Wan and Yoda, son of Darth Vader! You should be one of the baddest asses of them all! Instead we see him sword fight with a stick! Pull out his green saber once and a make believe blue saber another time. He is cynical and jaded and afraid, and I get that, but if that is the road you are taking with the character then at least apply the rules!

“Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” “Once you start down the dark path forever it will dominate your destiny, consume you it will.” Make him evil or make him good, either way he needs to be a force to be reckoned with (pun intended).

The director of Rogue One understood this, the empire is menacing, not comical, and the scene with Darth at the end gave audiences exactly what they wanted to see! The Darth Vader from lore and legend, the Darth that is crazy powerful, agile and takes no prisoners.

Audiences wanted something similar from Luke. What they got was a force-projected hologram taunting the rising Sith wannabe, that was apparently so difficult to conjure that afterwards an exhausted Luke dissipates into nothingness….

Good job Luke. Good job. If you are gonna talk trash, at least be able to back it up! 

If that was how it was going to be, why not go face Kylo in person? 

All the mishaps in the story leading up to Luke arriving on Crate would have been generously forgiven if Luke would have epically destroyed the approaching army single handedly. He could have wielded both his green and blue sabers. Or if he had two green sabers then audiences and toy companies alike would have exclaimed, “Oh crap, he made another one!” Have him rage “Force Fury” style

wielding and hurling multiple sabers, charging them with force lightning and then sending the lightning blast out to destroy the AT-M6’s advancing on him. Have him singlehandedly and definitively whoop Ben Solo’s whiny butt, along with an amputation and send them all packing.

Luke could have told him, “hey better bring your ‘Knights’ next time”. The First Order could retreat and even though there were so few rebels left, it would have been like, “but yeah they have Luke so, they’re good.”  Rey could sensibly add to her miniscule training and all would be well next episode when Luke and Rey face off against Kylo and his Knights!  

Snoke

Who the hell was that guy?? How did he come to power? Why was he so strong? Who trained him? Maybe he is an alumni from the same online Jedi School that Rey seems to be apart of. In TFA, you didn’t even know if Snoke had the force. In this one you see him rank with it, toying with Rey, and bitch-slapping Kylo with force lightning.

The last of the Sith were Palpatine and Vader. You can’t just not explain that and escape mass uprisings of fans. If he is so strong as to “bridge the minds” of Kylo and Rey, how did he not read Kylo’s mind moments before he got smote?

And if he can locate and bridge Rey’s mind and see her surroundings on Skellig, then why didn’t he do that with Luke in TFA and bypass finding the stupid map to Skywalker in the first place. Snoke could have just gone to Skellig and taken care of business himself.  Obviously Luke wouldn’t have been a threat in the state we saw him in TLJ and Snoke would have made light work of him. 

Instead, Snoke died as fast as he appeared with no explanation as to why he was anything to anybody in the first place. Truthfully, that scene was more reminiscent of Sideous, Skywalker and Vader in ROJ and would have been better suited for the third act after characters are better developed and Rey gets Ben to turn back to the light, or plot twist she joins him and they rule the galaxy.

No answers, no sith lightning, no saber dual, just Darth Maul…

…I mean Snoke cut in two. Who approved of this malarkey? Was a single fan of the franchise consulted on this? A quick text message to George Lucas? Did Rian Johnson even watch TFA? Kathleen Kennedy, where the hell were you at on this one when you signed off on it? 

Rey

So you come from nobody….makes sense. I mean Anakin came from nothing right? Wrong! No he didn’t! He was conceived by the force as either a fulfillment of “prophecy”

or he was conceived through the experiments of Darth Plagueis and Darth Sideous while they were exploring the force as they “manipulated midi-chlorians to create life”

Either way there is a huge explanation as to why Anakin existed and why he was so strong.  

Rey is nobody. Ok, so the force had to be balanced and “darkness rises and light to meet it”.  She still needs to be trained! Anakin was trained from boyhood, by Qui Gon and Obi Wan and mentored by Yoda and Mace Windu. It took him years to be admitted to the Jedi counsel and after turning dark was under the stewardship and training of Sideous for the rest of his life. 

Kylo was trained, by Luke and is the grandson of Darth Vader! Makes sense that he is strong, but he too needed years of training and is still unpredictable and juvenile in his behavior and knowledge of the force. 

Yet, here Rey is, no proper lineage, no training at all, save the 1.5 lessons she got from Luke on Skellig, and she is Kylo’s equal?? Both force gripping Anakins’ old saber with equal hold until it shears apart? Sorry, doesn’t make sense man. Again, Rian did you even watch the last movie? Have you seen any of them?? 

The dark hole in the ground. What was that about? Didn’t make any sense at all. At least when Luke ended up in a weird force cave in ESB there was meaning to what he saw.

Nothing dark in the dark hole. Nothing menacing. No saber dual. Not anything really. And no consequence for ignoring Luke’s call to resist the darkness and no follow up to the fact that she “went straight to the dark” and “didn’t resist at all”. 

Yoda

Good grief. He looked horrible. He looked like the cartoon straight off of the Clone Wars cartoon or the Disney Infinity video game!

His advice was fine and when he burns down the tree he discounts the value of the last Jedi texts by saying that what Rey needed was already inside here. One could conclude that the texts were not as valuable as we were originally lead to believe and that Luke should shift his focus to training her instead of pining away at this ancient Jedi tree-house.

But later, it turns out Rey stole the texts and had them in the Millennium Falcon, but why? If they were worthless like Yoda said, then this seems like a cheap way to be like, “Oh, well, yeah, now that Luke is gone, she will just become a Jedi by reading a few books.”

Sure, she will become stronger than Kylo Ren by taking a Jedi correspondence course or self-study class. Bumpkiss! It seems like Yoda’s advice should have come a little earlier during Luke’s tenure at the Island.  Like maybe before Rey’s arrival!   

Yoda, “Hey Luke, incoming, there is a trainee coming in with my stamp of approval. I want you to get off your duff and help her out, mmmmkay.”

And if Yoda can make an appearance why didn’t they have Kenobi?

After all, we did hear Obi Wan speaking to Rey in the TFA. 

Long and short of it, they had an amazing, once in a lifetime opportunity to have Luke Skywalker back on the big screen and they blew it! He could have and should have been and done something amazing!

So many opportunities and so many different directions they could have gone and I was thoroughly disappointed in the direction they decided to take. Luke could have faced off against Snoke, against Kylo and his Knights, against team Rey and Ben Solo, against the incoming army on Crate, against a friggin’ sea monster on Skelling.

Instead we got the temporarily amazing scene where he survives the blasts from the Walkers, only to find out that he wasn’t even there to begin with so his surviving wasn’t as epic as originally thought.

After Kylo runs him through, you fear the worst, as it appears he has been force-ghosted. Then you are pleasantly surprised when you see Luke is still alive safe and sound on his little island!

Only to be horrified when, due to exhaustion from projecting his worthless astral hologram across the cosmos, he force-ghosts himself!!!!!

Dammit Rian!! You were gifted the chance to put Luke back on the big screen!

“Lame, Lame, Lame, Lame, Lame!”

I hated that part the most. I hated it as much as Anakin hates sand. 

 

At the end of The Force Awakens, I was a little disappointed that it was basically “A Newer Hope”.  After The Last Jedi, I am left wishing it was a little more like Empire Strikes Back and a lot less like…The Last Jedi. 

 

 

 

 

Beauty and the Beast- A Gold-Digger’s Tale as Old as Time

Written by: SDP

Has anyone noticed that Belle refuses the advances of a conceded, physically violent, verbally abusive, PEASANT,

who imprisoned her father in a misguided attempt to win her affection,

only to fall for the conceded, physically violent, verbally abusive spoiled RICH PRINCE,

 

who imprisoned her father

 

and used it as leverage against Belle in a misguided attempt to win her affection?

 

Does anyone else see the difference?

I do.

Belle is a gold digger. Plain and simple.

 

She doesn’t despise Gaston for all of his bad traits.

She despises him because he is poor and marrying him would mean staying a peasant in a poor provincial town.

 

She wants more.

More books,

more dresses

more fancy ballrooms and parties.

She wants adventure and she can’t get that with a poor, albeit generally popular, jock from the village she grew up in. She needs someone with money and the Beast is rank with it.

You say selfless act of “saving” her father, I say selfish little minx that grew up with everything handed to her because of her looks and now she’s gonna bat her eyes at the owner of this castle…

no matter how old and decrepit he is, or in this case, no matter what type of a beast he may be.

The color of your dress suits you, Belle.

 

A Cold Case

Written by: SMP

Okay it’s time to discuss an issue that has been nagging me across fandoms for years—the icing problem.

Yes, the icing problem. Why is it that super heroes can have any power imaginable, some of which should freak people out instead of making people cheer for them, and yet people are totally fine with them?

I mean, a guy who got bit by a spider and now has powers like a spider?! Gross! And for my arachnophobic friends out there, truly terrifying! But slap some spandex tights on the guy, give him a theme song, and we’re all cheering along!

 

Aliens from other planets? Totally fine as long as they are fine and wear a cape!

 

Raging monster with multiple personality disorder? Sweet!

 

Claws come flying out of this guy’s hands on command? Even better!

 

But you give a person the power over ice? And suddenly all choice, memory, or control is gone! Why is that? What is it about ice that makes this messed up concept run through so many stories? You doubt me?

Well, let’s recap!

#1 Mr. Freeze

Found in the Batman stories and movies. Mr. Freeze was a doctor specializing in cryogenics (the idea that you can freeze yourself now and be brought back to life in the future when technology is good enough to keep you alive forever). Something went wrong (different versions out there), and his body temperature ended up dropping until he needed to wear a freezing suit to stay alive. He then created a cold gun that he uses to terrorize Batman and Gotham City. Villain.

#2 Captain Cold aka Leonard Snart

Speaking of cold guns, we also have Captain Cold in The Flash series running around in Central City as the leader of the “Rogues.” Though he can vary between good guy or bad guy, we’d still have to ultimately classify him as a villain, although to be fair, he was a convict before he ever got his hands on his cold gun. P.S.- Why must Wentworth Miller always play a con, dying and coming back, for the people he cares about?

#3 Killer Frost

While we’re in the Flash Multiverse, we need to address what happened to Caitlin Snow in Season 3 of The Flash. Why can Barry have speed (okay everyone and their dog has speed), Cisco can tell the future and teleport, Ronny and Professor Stein can fly and shoot flames, and they are ALL good. The powers didn’t change who they were. But Caitlin can make things cold and suddenly she has an alter ego freaky personality?! Why?

Wally’s the one who got his powers from an evil source, but he’s still good. Caitlin gets zapped by the particle accelerator like everyone else after “flash point,” and suddenly she’s a villain? What the?! All part of the ice power conspiracy, I tell you!

#4 Elsa

In Hans Christian Andersen’s Snow Queen, the original snow queen was bad. Disney planned to follow that story line in the beginning of writing Frozen, but tweaked the story so Elsa was more of a victim of her own powers instead. But why? The troll even says, “Born or cursed?” when asking her parents where her powers came from.

Why are ice powers a curse? And though she isn’t technically a villain in this story, her ice powers are definitely the main conflict of the story. They even took the same angle of being afraid of your powers and used it in the Once Upon a Time-Frozen story as well.

#5 Jadis aka the White Witch

Another evil snow queen that deserves a mention here is the White Witch from The Chronicles of Narnia. Terrifying children through the ages.

The evil queen takes over the land and promptly turns Narnia into a frozen wasteland where it’s always winter and never Christmas! So messed up! Villain.

#6 The Frost Giants

In the movie and comics for Thor, the Frost Giants are enemies of the Asgardians. Just look at them!

Of course they’re villains! And Loki, the son of the Frost Giant king, is indeed evil. What I’ve never understood is why he never uses his ice powers. He has access to “the casket” or source of the ice giants’ powers.

But instead he uses infinity stones and magic his adoptive mom taught him. Curious…

#7 Jack Frost

Poor Jack Frost isn’t exactly a villain, although he is considered a nuisance at the beginning of the story. And he is the ONLY guardian who lost his memory. All the other guardians remember exactly where they came from, but Jack? Nope. He got the curse of the ice powers, all lost and alone in the universe.

Which really, makes the whole shipping thing with him and Elsa work even more. Really, no one wants Disney to make a Frozen sequel because they’ll either make her a lesbian or make her get with some other guy when all anyone really wants is for Jack and Elsa to cross Dreamworks/Disney boundaries and be together.

#8 Frozone

I have to give a full analysis here to be fair. Frozone is the only one with cold powers that isn’t a bad guy or cursed by his powers that I could think of. He does get banned from using them (and being true to himself, also kind of like Elsa), but everyone who was super in that story was also banned, so he’s good.

P.P.S. Did anyone else think it was pretty sweet how Killer Frost took a move from Frozone when she went completely evil? Yeah, that was fun.

    

 

In conclusion, like most cold cases, the mystery of why writers almost always associate cold powers with some form of victim syndrome or villainy remains a mystery.