Dating according to the Jilted Cinephile

By: KDP

It is a universal truth that dating has been a headache since the beginning of time, BUT! I think most millennials trudging through the modern-day muck of cheaters, hipsters, and ghosters can agree that it’s a trial trying to find another human being worth sharing your heart-shaped Valentine’s Day pizza with. Some accuse TV and literature for setting our expectations too high. Sure, this may be true. But come on. Cinephiles have more fun. If for no other reason, it’s because we see the world, including the awkward, harsh, desolate dating world, through a unique perspective.

As Rick Castle says,“There are 2 kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people: psychopaths and mystery writers.” Might I add a third, Mr. Castle?

You know how it goes. We’ve all been grilled by those well-meaning family members, friends, random people off the street who feel qualified to offer free, unsolicited therapy.

They all have one thing in common: they think you’re picky. You like to think of it as “having standards”…

Picky? Good taste?

They know the perfect person for you! And that person is…wait for it… SINGLE! Said person eats nothing but sushi and likes cross fit and practices taxidermy in their free time, but they are unattached. Compatibility issues? What compatibility issues??

You’ve seen your friends breeze over the minor issue of similar interests before. What’s dating if not an elaborate game of “Ha! You thought I was someone else! But now we’re committed, so too late now!”

But there are some things you can’t be expected to fake, even in the name of dating. You know that drawn-on eyebrows are about as convincing as gluten-free brownies. Miracle Whip is better than mayonnaise. Harry Potter and Hermione Granger are soul mates. On these things, you will not bend!

So at this point, being the independent adult you are, you decide to take on the dating search on your own. (Mostly because you binge-watch crime shows and know that your internal organs will turn up on the Black Market if you ever try a dating app.)

You know what you want. “Of course my expectations aren’t too high! I just want an attractive shepherd-turned-prince who is so completely taken in by my highwayman act that he follows me around until we have a thrilling battle with bridge trolls and his mantra becomes, ‘I will always find you.'”

But nooooo. You are lost in a sea of dudes who look like they’ve borrowed your jeans and all they want to know is if you’ve seen the latest trending YouTube video. “Um, of course I have. But we’re supposed to be battling trolls here.”

Another common setback in the searching stage is the mystery of which team your potential beau is playing for. “This is so great. We’re having a real conversation! You like all the same things I do! Oh, you’re so sensitive! It helps that you are super cute! We are hitting it off so well, we are totally soulmates. Oh, you’re gay. K, fine. But couldn’t we have established that before I envisioned us cosplaying as Flynn and Rapunzel at Comic Con? I should’ve seen the signs…”

But then, you meet a somewhat promising candidate! You’ve been hurt before. Your guard is up. But you got through the first few interactions okay. They even came back respectably clean after intensive Facebook stalking. Thank you, social media.

They even picked up on a few of the obscure movie references you tossed into casual conversation as a test. And so there you are! On your first date! It’s going well…until they start to get way too handsy for someone who hasn’t even committed your last name to memory yet. Whoa there. Slow down, Barry Allen! “The Fastest Man Alive” doesn’t qualify as a hero title when in the dating realm. Slow your roll!

Or there’s the other kind of “fast.” Seriously, does every guy in the world have their own internal Harrison Wells hissing in their ear, “Run, Barry, RUN!” making them a constant flight risk? Even when things are great, they suddenly remember unresolved mommy issues and decide the past is more worthwhile than the now?

Sometimes though, things progress! They do! Finding that special person that texts you so often that your text conversations flow almost as fast as real-time speak is a pretty cool thing. They’re into you! They think you’re a catch! Or at least interesting enough to talk to from the minute they wake up until the minute they hit the hay. This is a good sign! You finally feel secure enough to admit to yourself that maybe you’ve actually found yourself a keeper! Your own modern day, personalized Gilbert Blythe. Hope springs eternal!

Oh, wait. He’s actually a raging sociopath who is allergic to commitment and bails as soon as the chase is over. Cool.

But it’s all good. Despite everything, you’re still not about to resign yourself to pretending like sushi is a desirable food choice. Besides, takeout with a side of Netflix has always been an immensely satisfying solo activity. And you were always a 5 season-build, slow-burn shipper anyway.

 

A Cold Case

Written by: SMP

Okay it’s time to discuss an issue that has been nagging me across fandoms for years—the icing problem.

Yes, the icing problem. Why is it that super heroes can have any power imaginable, some of which should freak people out instead of making people cheer for them, and yet people are totally fine with them?

I mean, a guy who got bit by a spider and now has powers like a spider?! Gross! And for my arachnophobic friends out there, truly terrifying! But slap some spandex tights on the guy, give him a theme song, and we’re all cheering along!

 

Aliens from other planets? Totally fine as long as they are fine and wear a cape!

 

Raging monster with multiple personality disorder? Sweet!

 

Claws come flying out of this guy’s hands on command? Even better!

 

But you give a person the power over ice? And suddenly all choice, memory, or control is gone! Why is that? What is it about ice that makes this messed up concept run through so many stories? You doubt me?

Well, let’s recap!

#1 Mr. Freeze

Found in the Batman stories and movies. Mr. Freeze was a doctor specializing in cryogenics (the idea that you can freeze yourself now and be brought back to life in the future when technology is good enough to keep you alive forever). Something went wrong (different versions out there), and his body temperature ended up dropping until he needed to wear a freezing suit to stay alive. He then created a cold gun that he uses to terrorize Batman and Gotham City. Villain.

#2 Captain Cold aka Leonard Snart

Speaking of cold guns, we also have Captain Cold in The Flash series running around in Central City as the leader of the “Rogues.” Though he can vary between good guy or bad guy, we’d still have to ultimately classify him as a villain, although to be fair, he was a convict before he ever got his hands on his cold gun. P.S.- Why must Wentworth Miller always play a con, dying and coming back, for the people he cares about?

#3 Killer Frost

While we’re in the Flash Multiverse, we need to address what happened to Caitlin Snow in Season 3 of The Flash. Why can Barry have speed (okay everyone and their dog has speed), Cisco can tell the future and teleport, Ronny and Professor Stein can fly and shoot flames, and they are ALL good. The powers didn’t change who they were. But Caitlin can make things cold and suddenly she has an alter ego freaky personality?! Why?

Wally’s the one who got his powers from an evil source, but he’s still good. Caitlin gets zapped by the particle accelerator like everyone else after “flash point,” and suddenly she’s a villain? What the?! All part of the ice power conspiracy, I tell you!

#4 Elsa

In Hans Christian Andersen’s Snow Queen, the original snow queen was bad. Disney planned to follow that story line in the beginning of writing Frozen, but tweaked the story so Elsa was more of a victim of her own powers instead. But why? The troll even says, “Born or cursed?” when asking her parents where her powers came from.

Why are ice powers a curse? And though she isn’t technically a villain in this story, her ice powers are definitely the main conflict of the story. They even took the same angle of being afraid of your powers and used it in the Once Upon a Time-Frozen story as well.

#5 Jadis aka the White Witch

Another evil snow queen that deserves a mention here is the White Witch from The Chronicles of Narnia. Terrifying children through the ages.

The evil queen takes over the land and promptly turns Narnia into a frozen wasteland where it’s always winter and never Christmas! So messed up! Villain.

#6 The Frost Giants

In the movie and comics for Thor, the Frost Giants are enemies of the Asgardians. Just look at them!

Of course they’re villains! And Loki, the son of the Frost Giant king, is indeed evil. What I’ve never understood is why he never uses his ice powers. He has access to “the casket” or source of the ice giants’ powers.

But instead he uses infinity stones and magic his adoptive mom taught him. Curious…

#7 Jack Frost

Poor Jack Frost isn’t exactly a villain, although he is considered a nuisance at the beginning of the story. And he is the ONLY guardian who lost his memory. All the other guardians remember exactly where they came from, but Jack? Nope. He got the curse of the ice powers, all lost and alone in the universe.

Which really, makes the whole shipping thing with him and Elsa work even more. Really, no one wants Disney to make a Frozen sequel because they’ll either make her a lesbian or make her get with some other guy when all anyone really wants is for Jack and Elsa to cross Dreamworks/Disney boundaries and be together.

#8 Frozone

I have to give a full analysis here to be fair. Frozone is the only one with cold powers that isn’t a bad guy or cursed by his powers that I could think of. He does get banned from using them (and being true to himself, also kind of like Elsa), but everyone who was super in that story was also banned, so he’s good.

P.P.S. Did anyone else think it was pretty sweet how Killer Frost took a move from Frozone when she went completely evil? Yeah, that was fun.

    

 

In conclusion, like most cold cases, the mystery of why writers almost always associate cold powers with some form of victim syndrome or villainy remains a mystery.